...

...Damn it's so hard to say goodbye...

Moving on to a new chapter in my life

Hello to everyone who ever viewed my blog. Thank you for your support. I am thinking however of stopping this blog. It will still be here but I won't update anything. Reason for this is that I really feel that I have moved on from what this blog represents to another chapter in this incredible journey called life. This blog was an amazing outlet for all my emotions and helped me share with people so that they may understand me better. It has now started to feel too "heavy" for my current state of mind. And so I will soon be creating a new blog which shows the world the state of my mind these days. It will be a completely open and honest blog where I pour out my heart and soul for others to share. Again thank you for your support and I will be updating everyone on the new blog details. With a heavy heart and a tear in my eye, I am now saying goodbye to this dark right of passage which was necessary although painful. Goodbye...

lol

After seeing the first "doctor" in Pretoria - this is what I thought of him! haha

Something Interesting

You can follow the lines at one go..

"The Secret"

If you've read "The Secret" you'll know what I'm talking about when I say that this is my visual board. Most of them have come true!! Still one more to go though..

Harry Potter Phoenix

Harry Potter actually has some interesting philosophical theories! And reading them always keeps me going. Done with oil pastels.

To Ella

I made this collage after Ella passed away. This is for Olga also..

some of my art stuff

Punctuation....

Damn blogspot for not letting you use puntuation! Trust me, it's much more interesting that what it seems :) PS hope you like the new stuff

Judge me?

Who are you to judge me
criticize me
All I call it is jealousy
Look at me with
malicious eyes
For in yourself
you see demise
I hate you for what you
call me
I don't know you
for he won't tell me
Show yourself, cowards hide
But those are the ones who
judge and chide
Show yourself
you're afraid
Call me names
it's what you say
Judge me criticize me
Point at me, chide me
You know why,
because you're shy
Of your own faults
So you make up mine
Say what I want though
It hurts inside

Our Love

No one can know but us
The path we take, we must
Listen to our hearts
Let it teach us the way
What it is that we do
That makes it sway

This is writing not like the rest
For good reason, for this is my test
I'll live to learn
Even if fire burns
Play with it right
You'll find it can delight

What do they know
The people who interfere
What can they show
But their own fears
Who do they think
they are to steer
Us apart though to each other
we are dear
What do they know
These friends that will
Let you down
As soon as you spill.

This is torture beyond measure
Who revels in this with pleasure?
The pain you can't describe
But where does it hurt?
How does it hurt?
It's abnormal pain
That you can't see
But drives you insane.

I can't let go
I can't let go
I can still hope
Hopelessly in vain

I've seen it
I've heard it
I've felt it
In front of my eyes.

How someone can love and tear your heart at once
Is this what love is today?
No one knows what love is
No one knows
Love for people
Between people
Does not exist;
That which we pretend
Is not its true meaning

I can't let go
leave
escape
So I sit
sigh
regret

I torture myself
to push myself beyond the limit
Over the edge
The edge of darkness
Hollowness
Where there is nothing
No feelings
No pain
Darkness in death
or insanity?
Either way it's there,
not here.

(Untitled)

This one was written last week. For all those who know me, I think you'll know what it's about. The world can be a lonely place..

So many I's
So self-centred am I?
If you look through my eyes
Will you yourself find?

My heart pounds in rising pain
To my mind, it resonates
Breath snatched from my lungs
In life my death has just begun

Shackled in clanging heavy chains
No longer drudge, but still I will remain
The looming air, a gaping hole
Shadows my light
Swallows me whole

I am my own prisoner
Creator of my cell myself
My heart and mind
Work together
To build my bars
And bonds to sever

Alone in my cell
With no sounding bells
A lonely place to dwell
A loner, only, lonely in a cell.

Snapped

Hello whoever is reading :) At the request of Sohail I'm going to put up some of new things. As I said before, I don't write that much anymore. "Snapped" was written a while ago but I'm only putting it up now. The inspiration for the style of it came from a show on Crime and Investigation Channel called "Snapped - Women who kill."

Snapped
Men who kill
They slowly run you down
Until you're buried in the ground
The signs appear on day one
But to you, your heart's been won
We shove aside mistakes he makes
Ineffectively glue all he breaks;
One day we lay to rest broken
Unfixable, our souls misshapen
They snap
The men who kill
We break
The women, of will

It's been a while...

Wow, it's been so long I even forgot how to work this thing! Haven't written for long but this little one popped up a short while ago. The person who it's about knows who he is. I can't write anymore - i think it's my meds. Oh well, they keeping me alive so damn the blog! hehe

(Untitled)

A gentle tear, flows past her ear, into her hair
Her swollen eyes, look to the sky, her mind laid bare

Inside her throat, not so remote, a lump for tears
In every breath, there's nothing left, not even fear

Inside her mind, she will be fine, after her woe
Look through her eyes, past all the ice, her mind says no

She's done again, at half past ten, regrettable mistake
She can't take back, her hateful acts,just for her sake

The gentle tear, flows past her ear, down to the floor
Sorrowful eyes, say their goodbyes, another one to mourn

Blissful Bath

1am 5th Nov '06 (hello sohail:) hehe

Please note: This is not a dirty poem! It's about loving yourself in a special way and getting completely soaked in the moment and meditating on yourself. Nothing dirty! :-p


Surrounded by bubbles of happiness
I lie and feel the water's sweet caress
Indulging in my own bliss
To myself, I give a gentle kiss
Savouring each moment of special delight
My heart and soul thrust into light
The only thought inside my mind
Is the moment through which I am intertwined
I rest my loving soul through time
And meditate on my own soft shine
My skin glows beauty by candlelight
Water trickles down my legs tonight
I feel my gentle touch to me
A new sensation, a sigh of relief
Goosebumps running down my spine
Butterflies flutter free inside
I sit and bathe in the water of love
And let my spirit fly with the freedom of a dove
As my body is immersed into the light
Thoughts disappear, emotional bliss shines bright
I take a moment just for me this once
And love myself into a sensual trance

Exhale

Just for sohail- uploaded at 1am 5th Nov '06 :)


I have come to see the light
A much brighter future creeps into sight
My lessons have been learnt
Though harshly and through toil
But I know that to be burnt
Is the only way, to keep away
From flames that twist and coil

A higher level of maturity
Is what was missing from this history
I now know to stay away
From those who wish to remain
In their pain and lie their days away
Things I take personally
Were not meant that way, I see
Prejudice will only instil in you shallow gain

Friends that I thought were mine
When all we did was swim in wine
Common ground I did not find
They tried to sway me into highs
Patience please, the time will come
When I will find my special one
Until then I will learn to stay
In my own skin, some comfort will give way

My choice is now simple and true
Bring history into present; let it linger through
But I choose to admit to my mistakes
From which I've learnt to heighten the stakes,
Not to lower my own person and self
And keep at bay those who are not well
To the problem,
My eyes have been opened
It does not rest with me
But with others' immaturity

To my own ground, I will now stand
And not give way into others' hands
My choice is mine and mine alone
The decisions I make are stable to the bone
This time that I foresee
Will be alone but I'll be free
From those who will bring pain
I swear I will not remain
My time has come and now I know
I'm much more special than those for show

I Don't Belong

Chorus
I don't belong
In this world so wrong
I don't belong
And from it all I am gone
When I look around me
And all I see
Is the faces of people
I can't reach
So alone in my world
Where no one sees me
I don't belong
And I'm not part of one

Everytime I've been in a different place
And everytime I've seen a brand new face
They're always looking at me, judging me
Always on the outside, I can't reach in
To you, you've grown up in this way
You know the rules and how they stay
But look at me, try to understand
This is the first time, I'm in this land

Chorus

All the different people always seem to fit
They know how it works, and how to sit
And I try to break into their circles
But it always seems, I need a miracle
You look at me, and see a freak
But deep inside, I'm just so weak
I can't face your judgement anymore
I only wish you'd see, I'm not a bore

Chorus

I Miss You

It seems easier to break up that to carry on
But for what reason, when he's the one I want
What frightens me more is the pain
How much more longing can my heart take?

The emptiness builds a hollow inside
It eats me away, even though I try
To run from it is cowardice
In the end, he's the one I'll miss

Should I keep on,
Even though he's gone?

Clinging to strands of a relationship
So it can once again be rebuilt
This is not forever it is to be
Even though now I cannot breathe

My heart misses his beautiful soul
My mind needs his comforting own
My body longs for his touch, so affectionate
My soul, incomplete without a mate

But I'll hold on and let go
In the end, it's worth the woe
For in the distance is the light
Of a love much stronger in sight

Last goodbye

So many days when I could forget
But too soon you came, I did what I regret
Where do I go now, my head is fucked
What do I do? When you're gone, I'm in a rut
Told myself, don't give yourself away
Not strong enough, my body couldn't wait

You came over to say goodbye
I held back some tears I couldn't cry
You held me in your arms
Even that was wrong
Why couldn't I say no
Why couldn't I let go
Why the fuck didn't I know
That I would die when you go
I don't know how to survive
Don't want to say goodbye

Straight after I knew we shouldn't have
But now it's too late we can't take it back
Intuitioned should never be ignored
If we could start again, I'd listen some more

You came over to say goodbye
I held back some tears I couldn't cry
You held me in your arms
Even that was wrong
Why couldn't I say no
Why couldn't I let go
Why the fuck didn't I know
That I would die when you go
I don't know how to survive
Don't want to say goodbye

I'm dreading the day, I can't sleep
My heart will bleed, die inside, it will keep
Better best forgotten sad memories
Risky thoughts will lead, back to my disease

Too soon,
You came too soon
Now it's the end,
It's brought me to my doom

Working title - Outcast

I feel I have no choice
When others don't hear my voice
For some strange reason, I don't know
Again, I'm an outcast, just for show

Everyone else has others, but me
How did this happen, I cannot see
Something I keep doing wrong
Pushes people as I move along

Through my life, my walk feels lonely
With groups of strangers either side of me
They part aside as I walk through
To stop and stare at the pitiful view
I feel their eyes on my back, lingering
As I try to move forward, without stumbling

Night falls and my eyes burn
Sleep is far away, as I toss and turn
Too much thinking, it won't stop
My brain carries on as my mood it drops

Too many questions left unanswered
Too many ties that I have severed
Do I chop them out of my life?
Or am I discreetly pushed out the light?

My imbalance makes me posessive
Over everything, I get obsessive
The highs and lows aren't only emotions
But extremeties in life that have no medium

Untitled

Indecision upon vanity
I don't like what I see
Why does it frustrate me so
It's only an outside that's for show

He's bad news from the start
Dripping blood he calls art
What are we even doing
Only each other but nothing fulfilling

Alone again, here we go
No more talking, we both know
But once outside, amidst the crowd
He'll not touch or show anything about

I agreed for this position
Him calling me what I am
But even lonely passion
Falls away, leaving nothing to stand

I am used, for us to amuse
I'm a whore, to stop being bored

Soul-Deceiving Eyes

I knew a boy who would pretend to care
Alone he seemed so loving, so fair
Harshly I was taught, to not always listen
You can never know someone's own cruel intention

He's got soul-deceiving eyes
They sparkle so innocent
Even though I may try
They pretend a soft sentiment

He's got clean hair, frost brown
Softly portray his evil face
If you look only out
You'd fall hard for his selfish bait

I don't understand how it's so easy to lie
Pretend not to know how it makes someone cry
Evil is shadowed by shallow beauty
Look harder, so you don't trust your enemy

Chorus

How can you live with yourself?
Do you live in your own burning hell?
Use people like they are your tools
Careful, you don't know all the rules

Right now, you deserve what you get
You both will collapse, it's all set
Karma will come back to haunt you
You'll feel the pain that I feel too

Chorus

Working title- No one's whore

When I know, you're with someone else
And I know, to you, she's something else
But still I think, I see an object for
And kid myself, thinking it's nothing more
But Oh I know
But I can't let it go

Chorus
Frustration
Makes me tear out my hair
Indecision
Not knowing what, I can't bear
Degredation
To myself, I'm not fair
Temptation
Leading me to my despair

Does she touch you, the way I do?
Do you laugh, and smile with her too?
Questions I can't bear, I ask why
Having both, not fair, now don't you try
I say stop your lying
Cause no one is buying

Chorus

Can't you see that you lie to yourself?
You want so much, it will bring you hell
I won't let you, play with my heart
Not gonna make myself, your whorish tart
Just go away
You're making yourself my prey

Chorus

Fuck off, get out of my head
Go die, you think you're so hot
Get off, you're gonna be so dead
You'll die, from the bullet I've shot
You think you're invincible
It will come to you
Keep your ways, most probable
Karma comes around, you're so screwed

You think you get, anything you want
But not this babe, I'm way too smart
I make decisions, that keep me safe
Not be to you, your playmate
So go, you'll see
Anyone else you'll use to cheat
And find youself
A stupid slut, someone else

Chorus

Please

Wipe the tears from your eyes
And the blood from your arm
Together, the same, they're one
Sadness and pain left inside
Oh, little child
You were doing well
Oh, sweet delight
Where has your sugar gone?

Please love yourself
Respect yourself
Please keep yourself
Safe from yourself

I tried, to hold out for so long
So well for someone so alone
I kept myself from my self-harm
But insignificants pushed me down

Please, forgive me
I am afraid
Please, I'm so sorry
I promise I'll try again

Again, when you were so right
You've gone and done it again
You held out so long for the light
You couldn't handle the pain
Oh, little one
You cry inside
Oh, precious girl
You don't want to die

Please love yourself
Respect yourself
Please keep yourself
Safe from yourself

I am so mindless, so nothing, so everything
I feel too much when I, get pushed by the little things
Here I am
Arms help up
Please understand
I'm not giving up
Here I am
Getting up
See that I am
Dusting off
Pick myself up again
Ignore the scars, move on
Look up at the sun
I'm strong enough

Please forgive me
I get afraid
Please don't judge me
My mind is a maze
Please listen to me
I'm getting away
From the blood,
and the tears,
From my blades,
from my fears,
I will find myself

Please love yourself
Respect yourself
Please keep yourself
Safe from yourself

Just In Case (Sorry but Goodbye)

Just in case
I fade away
If by chance
I will be gone
Let me say
Just in case
My life is done
And I am gone

I love you all
First and most of all
I am aware
That you all care
I've stayed alive
All this while
Only for you
Not me at all

I tried and tried
But still did cry
My disease
Is all it is
I fight all day
To chase thoughts away
I don't even know
Why I feel so low

I know you're all here
And you love me very dear
If only I could
Explain to you, I would
The pain I feel inside
Is mine and only mine

Just in case
I do not wake
Let me say
Just for my sake
If I do somehow fall
None is your fault at all

But rather you've kept me safe
In my world of self-hate
You've been my light
Through my stormy night
If I have lived so far
It's only because you saw
The love and care you gave
Nothing could ever replace
You have a special place
Deep in my heart
And we'll always stay
Never far apart

This world is cruel
As we all know
I cannot take
Anything more
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
How many times
Can I say
I never meant to hurt
But I just can't stay

Just in case
I fade away
If by chance
I will be gone
Let me now say
That I do pray
I push on through
And keep moving on

But if my life is done
And I am long before gone
What you've given me
It's love I've seen
I do rejoice
For where I've been
My page ends here
I hope not in tears
I love you dear

Golden House

(This poem came to me in a dream about people wishing for golden houses and how
some would flourish but others were too heavy and fell down. There is a Father who rules this world and it is his wise words that I've turned into this poem)



If you ask for too much gold
Your heavy house crashes down
If you only ask for enough
A beautiful golden house you'll own

A house in danger of collapsing
Can still be saved within right timing
Take some away
and Give it away
Your world will be better for
Bridges built to cross to shore
Trees will grow
Their flowers will show
A beautiful precious world
Together will glow

Alone Again

Sleepless nights, dreaming days
Life slips away, gone in a haze
Arms keep on bleeding, my wrists they're encircling
But don't get me wrong, it's not a suicide song
My insides are swollen
Hopes and dreams have been broken

I'm repulsive, I can't keep
Just abusive, when you stay

Can't take the loneliness no more
A thousand tears have fallen before
I won't let myself die, again
Even if I cry out, in my pain

I can't let myself go
That much I know
So I'll have to remain
And feel my pain
One day I'll go crazy
Hopefully happy
If I just can't die
For everyone around me

I'm back again,
To a place I can't get out of
I'm falling again,
Drowning soul without love

Everyone around me
Doesn't seem to care
I just want someone to show me
That I'm really there

Blood Bracelets

Leaning forwars and backwards
Blood bracelets dripping through her fingers
Staring blankly through her hair
Her mind doesn't see but her eyes they stare
Don't cut yourself
Don't cut yourself
You'll only hurt yourself
Don't cut yourself
Don't cut yourself
It's only living hell

Thoughts so dark, she hides away
Under the covers, her mind's awake
What she sees, she doesn't understand
The tricks of her mind are not in her hands
She locked it up, threw away the key
But a broken lock will set her monsters free
Don't cut yourself
Don't cut yourself
You'll only hurt yourself
Don't cut yourself
Don't cut yourself
It's only living hell

Night has fallen, light to dark..

Look in the mirror, what do you see?
Our the corner of her eye, the shadows scream
Open doors, mirrors and noise
Shadows that creep, they aren't your own
Close your eyes, wash your face
Open to reflections of human hate

Her mind doesn't sleep, she lies awake
Her room dimly lit to stop her shakes
Her eyes are open
Her mind is working
Her thoughts are racing
Her words are tumbling
Her head is numbing
Her body is sinking
She's stopped breathing