I Don't Belong

Chorus
I don't belong
In this world so wrong
I don't belong
And from it all I am gone
When I look around me
And all I see
Is the faces of people
I can't reach
So alone in my world
Where no one sees me
I don't belong
And I'm not part of one

Everytime I've been in a different place
And everytime I've seen a brand new face
They're always looking at me, judging me
Always on the outside, I can't reach in
To you, you've grown up in this way
You know the rules and how they stay
But look at me, try to understand
This is the first time, I'm in this land

Chorus

All the different people always seem to fit
They know how it works, and how to sit
And I try to break into their circles
But it always seems, I need a miracle
You look at me, and see a freak
But deep inside, I'm just so weak
I can't face your judgement anymore
I only wish you'd see, I'm not a bore

Chorus

I Miss You

It seems easier to break up that to carry on
But for what reason, when he's the one I want
What frightens me more is the pain
How much more longing can my heart take?

The emptiness builds a hollow inside
It eats me away, even though I try
To run from it is cowardice
In the end, he's the one I'll miss

Should I keep on,
Even though he's gone?

Clinging to strands of a relationship
So it can once again be rebuilt
This is not forever it is to be
Even though now I cannot breathe

My heart misses his beautiful soul
My mind needs his comforting own
My body longs for his touch, so affectionate
My soul, incomplete without a mate

But I'll hold on and let go
In the end, it's worth the woe
For in the distance is the light
Of a love much stronger in sight

Last goodbye

So many days when I could forget
But too soon you came, I did what I regret
Where do I go now, my head is fucked
What do I do? When you're gone, I'm in a rut
Told myself, don't give yourself away
Not strong enough, my body couldn't wait

You came over to say goodbye
I held back some tears I couldn't cry
You held me in your arms
Even that was wrong
Why couldn't I say no
Why couldn't I let go
Why the fuck didn't I know
That I would die when you go
I don't know how to survive
Don't want to say goodbye

Straight after I knew we shouldn't have
But now it's too late we can't take it back
Intuitioned should never be ignored
If we could start again, I'd listen some more

You came over to say goodbye
I held back some tears I couldn't cry
You held me in your arms
Even that was wrong
Why couldn't I say no
Why couldn't I let go
Why the fuck didn't I know
That I would die when you go
I don't know how to survive
Don't want to say goodbye

I'm dreading the day, I can't sleep
My heart will bleed, die inside, it will keep
Better best forgotten sad memories
Risky thoughts will lead, back to my disease

Too soon,
You came too soon
Now it's the end,
It's brought me to my doom

Working title - Outcast

I feel I have no choice
When others don't hear my voice
For some strange reason, I don't know
Again, I'm an outcast, just for show

Everyone else has others, but me
How did this happen, I cannot see
Something I keep doing wrong
Pushes people as I move along

Through my life, my walk feels lonely
With groups of strangers either side of me
They part aside as I walk through
To stop and stare at the pitiful view
I feel their eyes on my back, lingering
As I try to move forward, without stumbling

Night falls and my eyes burn
Sleep is far away, as I toss and turn
Too much thinking, it won't stop
My brain carries on as my mood it drops

Too many questions left unanswered
Too many ties that I have severed
Do I chop them out of my life?
Or am I discreetly pushed out the light?

My imbalance makes me posessive
Over everything, I get obsessive
The highs and lows aren't only emotions
But extremeties in life that have no medium

Untitled

Indecision upon vanity
I don't like what I see
Why does it frustrate me so
It's only an outside that's for show

He's bad news from the start
Dripping blood he calls art
What are we even doing
Only each other but nothing fulfilling

Alone again, here we go
No more talking, we both know
But once outside, amidst the crowd
He'll not touch or show anything about

I agreed for this position
Him calling me what I am
But even lonely passion
Falls away, leaving nothing to stand

I am used, for us to amuse
I'm a whore, to stop being bored

Soul-Deceiving Eyes

I knew a boy who would pretend to care
Alone he seemed so loving, so fair
Harshly I was taught, to not always listen
You can never know someone's own cruel intention

He's got soul-deceiving eyes
They sparkle so innocent
Even though I may try
They pretend a soft sentiment

He's got clean hair, frost brown
Softly portray his evil face
If you look only out
You'd fall hard for his selfish bait

I don't understand how it's so easy to lie
Pretend not to know how it makes someone cry
Evil is shadowed by shallow beauty
Look harder, so you don't trust your enemy

Chorus

How can you live with yourself?
Do you live in your own burning hell?
Use people like they are your tools
Careful, you don't know all the rules

Right now, you deserve what you get
You both will collapse, it's all set
Karma will come back to haunt you
You'll feel the pain that I feel too

Chorus

Working title- No one's whore

When I know, you're with someone else
And I know, to you, she's something else
But still I think, I see an object for
And kid myself, thinking it's nothing more
But Oh I know
But I can't let it go

Chorus
Frustration
Makes me tear out my hair
Indecision
Not knowing what, I can't bear
Degredation
To myself, I'm not fair
Temptation
Leading me to my despair

Does she touch you, the way I do?
Do you laugh, and smile with her too?
Questions I can't bear, I ask why
Having both, not fair, now don't you try
I say stop your lying
Cause no one is buying

Chorus

Can't you see that you lie to yourself?
You want so much, it will bring you hell
I won't let you, play with my heart
Not gonna make myself, your whorish tart
Just go away
You're making yourself my prey

Chorus

Fuck off, get out of my head
Go die, you think you're so hot
Get off, you're gonna be so dead
You'll die, from the bullet I've shot
You think you're invincible
It will come to you
Keep your ways, most probable
Karma comes around, you're so screwed

You think you get, anything you want
But not this babe, I'm way too smart
I make decisions, that keep me safe
Not be to you, your playmate
So go, you'll see
Anyone else you'll use to cheat
And find youself
A stupid slut, someone else

Chorus

Please

Wipe the tears from your eyes
And the blood from your arm
Together, the same, they're one
Sadness and pain left inside
Oh, little child
You were doing well
Oh, sweet delight
Where has your sugar gone?

Please love yourself
Respect yourself
Please keep yourself
Safe from yourself

I tried, to hold out for so long
So well for someone so alone
I kept myself from my self-harm
But insignificants pushed me down

Please, forgive me
I am afraid
Please, I'm so sorry
I promise I'll try again

Again, when you were so right
You've gone and done it again
You held out so long for the light
You couldn't handle the pain
Oh, little one
You cry inside
Oh, precious girl
You don't want to die

Please love yourself
Respect yourself
Please keep yourself
Safe from yourself

I am so mindless, so nothing, so everything
I feel too much when I, get pushed by the little things
Here I am
Arms help up
Please understand
I'm not giving up
Here I am
Getting up
See that I am
Dusting off
Pick myself up again
Ignore the scars, move on
Look up at the sun
I'm strong enough

Please forgive me
I get afraid
Please don't judge me
My mind is a maze
Please listen to me
I'm getting away
From the blood,
and the tears,
From my blades,
from my fears,
I will find myself

Please love yourself
Respect yourself
Please keep yourself
Safe from yourself

Just In Case (Sorry but Goodbye)

Just in case
I fade away
If by chance
I will be gone
Let me say
Just in case
My life is done
And I am gone

I love you all
First and most of all
I am aware
That you all care
I've stayed alive
All this while
Only for you
Not me at all

I tried and tried
But still did cry
My disease
Is all it is
I fight all day
To chase thoughts away
I don't even know
Why I feel so low

I know you're all here
And you love me very dear
If only I could
Explain to you, I would
The pain I feel inside
Is mine and only mine

Just in case
I do not wake
Let me say
Just for my sake
If I do somehow fall
None is your fault at all

But rather you've kept me safe
In my world of self-hate
You've been my light
Through my stormy night
If I have lived so far
It's only because you saw
The love and care you gave
Nothing could ever replace
You have a special place
Deep in my heart
And we'll always stay
Never far apart

This world is cruel
As we all know
I cannot take
Anything more
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
How many times
Can I say
I never meant to hurt
But I just can't stay

Just in case
I fade away
If by chance
I will be gone
Let me now say
That I do pray
I push on through
And keep moving on

But if my life is done
And I am long before gone
What you've given me
It's love I've seen
I do rejoice
For where I've been
My page ends here
I hope not in tears
I love you dear

Golden House

(This poem came to me in a dream about people wishing for golden houses and how
some would flourish but others were too heavy and fell down. There is a Father who rules this world and it is his wise words that I've turned into this poem)



If you ask for too much gold
Your heavy house crashes down
If you only ask for enough
A beautiful golden house you'll own

A house in danger of collapsing
Can still be saved within right timing
Take some away
and Give it away
Your world will be better for
Bridges built to cross to shore
Trees will grow
Their flowers will show
A beautiful precious world
Together will glow

Alone Again

Sleepless nights, dreaming days
Life slips away, gone in a haze
Arms keep on bleeding, my wrists they're encircling
But don't get me wrong, it's not a suicide song
My insides are swollen
Hopes and dreams have been broken

I'm repulsive, I can't keep
Just abusive, when you stay

Can't take the loneliness no more
A thousand tears have fallen before
I won't let myself die, again
Even if I cry out, in my pain

I can't let myself go
That much I know
So I'll have to remain
And feel my pain
One day I'll go crazy
Hopefully happy
If I just can't die
For everyone around me

I'm back again,
To a place I can't get out of
I'm falling again,
Drowning soul without love

Everyone around me
Doesn't seem to care
I just want someone to show me
That I'm really there

Blood Bracelets

Leaning forwars and backwards
Blood bracelets dripping through her fingers
Staring blankly through her hair
Her mind doesn't see but her eyes they stare
Don't cut yourself
Don't cut yourself
You'll only hurt yourself
Don't cut yourself
Don't cut yourself
It's only living hell

Thoughts so dark, she hides away
Under the covers, her mind's awake
What she sees, she doesn't understand
The tricks of her mind are not in her hands
She locked it up, threw away the key
But a broken lock will set her monsters free
Don't cut yourself
Don't cut yourself
You'll only hurt yourself
Don't cut yourself
Don't cut yourself
It's only living hell

Night has fallen, light to dark..

Look in the mirror, what do you see?
Our the corner of her eye, the shadows scream
Open doors, mirrors and noise
Shadows that creep, they aren't your own
Close your eyes, wash your face
Open to reflections of human hate

Her mind doesn't sleep, she lies awake
Her room dimly lit to stop her shakes
Her eyes are open
Her mind is working
Her thoughts are racing
Her words are tumbling
Her head is numbing
Her body is sinking
She's stopped breathing

Rollercoaster

Come journey with my through my mind
Sit beside me for the ride
On a rollercoaster we will go
Hold on tight and don't let go
Down the tracks we slide
Moving images on each side

My first dance for the day
Exotic erotic in its own way
But not for myself, and I alone
In this harem, the king sits on his throne
Enthralled in my own Arabian night
My body tells a tale of might.

On forwards we do go
To a battlefield in Ancient Rome
The lounge swirls as couches disappear
Replaced by sandpits built for fear
On the outside, barbaric men cry out
While inside, women fight and do not pout.

Who do we fight?
There's no one to see
Look closer to find
Your closest enemy.

Through punches and kicks
The air is intact
But see the ghastly face
As my punch pulls back
Anger given to me
From the world, you see
Escapes to a place
Only I can reach.

Out of the tunnel, ride with me
My new friends you shall come to meet
They're in my room, listening and talking,
Ever-changing but never fading
Whatever shape they may be,
Their presence fulfills my needs;
Never can they disappoint me,
For there they will always be.

Have you seen the mountaintop yet?
Where I sit and try to forget?
The cliffs hang above a luscious valley,
Full of trees and rivers and breeze
Here my spirit does escape,
The real world, it cannot face

Forget my worries,
Forget my woes;
Here all I need
Is my spirit aglow.

Hold on tight,
Our next stop is filled with fright..

Here my demons still do lie
They haunt and come to play at night
I try to walk through them, unawares
But they choke me and keep me scared.
Here is the place only I can see
From it, others are simply free
I should face it, not shove it at bay
Only then will I be able to walk away.

The ride almost over,
My life's longest cover
A safety blanket, a part of me
Still comforts me beyond relief;
No more is it a children's toy
But an adult's longing for joy
The comfortable security it gave
Now is not enough to make it safe.

Our journey has come to an end
Take what you will, but please do come again
The things you have seen may all well change,
But the images in our mind will never fade..

Life That Is

Every precious moment that we live
Is gone in a second
Every emotion that we feel
Should never be forgotten

We live so fast,
To die so young
Not stopping to listen
To the bird's morning song

Everyday we trod on by
Dwelling over our own sad cries
Not realising what we miss
The breeze in the air, a gentle kiss

To our family and friends
The ones who are with us 'til the end
Through ups and downs and all between
What we never say, can always be seen.

Our love for our close ones never end
Through spirit, my whole heart I will send
Though I never say but always feel
I love them all beyond what is real.

For my baby that I love
Who came to me from above
To bring me out of my dark storm
Into sunlit gardens at my dawn.

A simple breath, I appreciate
The chance to live and see the days
What is given to me, precious and dear
I try to take without no fear.

Our being is never forever,
Our lives begin in a vulnerable child,
So we make haste to make it fuller
But should not forget all the while;

Our life is not a goal
But a road for our souls
We ride this road and learn
To laugh and cry, to ravage, to burn.

A search for happiness is futile
When a balance is much more worthwhile
The extent of our emotions show
The inside we try to know
We feel joy and also pain
From both, so much can be gained
So sob when you cry, laugh when you smile
Our feelings and life only last for a while.